I'm mad. Actually, I'm sad. My grandpa has cancer. He's going through chemo. He has to get a shot to keep the chemo from making him horribly sick. Guess what. He just found out the hard way he's allergic to this shot. Guess what that means. He's horribly sick. He hasn't been able to sleep for days because of the pain and violent shaking. Today they prescribed him Ambien. He has to take two just so he can sleep. It's not even really sleeping it's more like being comatose for a few hours. Frankly his body is too old to handle all of this. I'm very afraid he's not going to make it.

I've purposely put as little of this information on facebook as possible because I don't want to be that person who is so dramatic and puts all their family problems all over the internet. However, I've put enough for people to know it's serious.

So you know what kills me? None of my "friends" have lent me any support. I don't mean people who I happen to be friends with on facebook but don't actually talk to in real life. No, I mean the people I actually fucking talk to in real life. No support. Nothing. Not even an "I'm sorry Sara hope he feels better." Nothing.

I've seen some of these people in person since posting my grandpa has cancer. Not a word mentioned. Some of these people have actually met my grandpa. No sympathy given.

It's not like I want a damn pity party thrown. But these people are supposed to be my friends. These are people who, if they were going through the same thing, I would absolutely lend my support to. No doubt about it. Yet an "I'm sorry" is too much to ask for.

I fucking love my grandpa. He is my favorite person in the whole world. And I might lose him. And it tears me up. Yet the people who I'd jump through fire for can't bother to say a word.

Rachel's right. You can't count on anyone but yourself. I'm so sick and tired of putting my faith in people and watching them destroy that faith. When did the world get so fucked up? Is there one good person left out there?

I'm watching as everything is falling apart. And I still get out of bed and put a smile on and try to enjoy life. But it seems everyone's mission to ruin it.

I mean, is this karma? And if it is karma what the fuck did I do? I didn't burn any damn bridges. They just weren't strong enough and collapsed.

I seem to be getting only karma's back hand.

I dunno. I just get so sick of everything. It'd be real easy at this point to throw up my hands and give up.

The decisions we make

There's a Modest Mouse song that used to always get stuck in my head. It went:

          It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time. . . .It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time. . . .It's hard to remember to live before you die. . . .It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time. . . .It's hard to remember when it takes such a long time. . . .It's hard to remember. . . .

Kyle told me he was okay to drive. He went, "You're more wasted than me. Plus I wouldn't want to get you in trouble."

The decisions we make.

I mean, I was really wasted too. It was so surreal. We're on the road and a split second later - BAM - we jump a median - BAM - we jump a curb.

And then there was this house.

And these sounds.

Splintered glass.

Broken bones.

Severed vains.

And that's all I know.

The decisions we make.

I'm gonna update my xanga. So here you go thousands of people who read my blog because it's so important you can't help yourself. If you want fantastic movie advice read further, brave soldier.

Here are some recent movies I have seen and my extraordinarily fantastic and important reviews of them:

Rachel Getting Married: Alright, this is an indie movie through and through. They even used the less glamorous camera/has the look of a camcorder esque look to it. And let's face it people anything other than that exact type of camera would have failed this movie! The mark of a true good movie is when it makes us feel a way we wouldn't in real life. Rachel Getting Married accomplishes this. Can you honestly say that in real life you'd feel bad for a chick addicted to drugs her whole life responsible for killing her little brother? No, liar, you would not. And no that's not a spoiler. You find this out quickly so don't cuss at me through the computer screen. But that's exactly what happens. Warning: tears will ensue. So don't go watch it with someone you feel the need to be a badass around, because you'll look like a little girl. Five stars my friends. A definite must check out. It's like an indie movie that can appeal to people who fail to see the awesomeness of indie movies.

The Lucky Ones: Don't let the title fool you. It's not as cheesy as it sounds. It's about 3 army vets...two who are on medical leave for 30 days and one who is out for good...who have a chance encounter on the plane ride home and when they arrive in New York they must share the last rental car available and drive cross country. It has very very little to do with the war...in fact the word Iraq isn't said once in this movie...and it has everything to do with the journey. Actors? For you Notebook fans it has Rachel McAdams. For you Crash fans it has Michael Pena. For you Shawshank Redemption fans it has Tim Robbins. Predictable? Fairly. Overwhelmingly happy ending? No. Good, solid movie? Yes. This movie has its moments and unless you're a movie prude you should check it out. And by movie prude I mean if you must absolutely dissect every movie to the point that the only ones you can find enjoyable at all are movies that end up on AFI's list of 100 great movies or whatever and just will not accept that any movie that is not on this list is not complete rubbish and is not necessarily not worth watching. My guess is that none of you are like this and are instead people who find movies like Ferris Bueller's Day Off a classic, can't resist the sappy yet endearing moments of The Notebook, enjoy Harry Potter for reasons you can't explain, and will never be able to resist the charm of The Lion King, even when you're 40. If this is you, then you will probably like this movie.

Miracle At St. Anna: This movie meets the just barely okay mark. Here's what is wrong with this movie: there's almost no part in the entire movie where music is not playing. I would really like to know what in the world the editor was thinking allowing the music editor to cover each shot with music. I mean, so many moments could have been so effective if there was just silence but no, there's music there. And it's not music that fits the scene either. We see this from the very beginning. It's bizarre. Not to mention it's extremely long (2 hours 40 min). Unneccessarily long. I respect Spike Lee as a director but he should have cut half of those scenes out. The pace is just far too slow and you find yourself looking at the clock wondering when it will end. About 20 minutes from the end it is good and exciting for 10 minutes then it lapses into cheesy nonsense that makes me want to rip my hair out. Twilight is less cheesy than the last scene of this movie and Twilight is cheesy on purpose. My recommendation: do not rent. The trailer makes this movie look awesome, and awesome it is not. The dvd says something like it's the next best thing since Saving Private Ryan! But it's lying.

So there you have it. I definitely think I should have my own movie review job where I write movie reviews for real people instead of how they do it now where critics write movie reviews for other critics and the audiences are like huh? Don't tell me how the juxtaposition between the cinematography and the intransient screenplay nonsense and just tell me it sucked and here's why.

You're welcome internet.

Sara

Currently Hiding Inside the Horrible Weather By My American Heart Dangerous see related

I'm trying my very hardest to not lose my faith in good. It's hard when no one can be the person they say they'll be and when you yourself are included in that group. I had standards set for myself, I had rules, it seems I've broken them all and along the way left a trail of people I've hurt. I try not to feel too bad about it though. That's the way of life isn't it? We hurt each other. It's how we feel. You can't have only joy, there has to be pain. 

So I'm trying not to give up on you people. I wish you'd make it less difficult on me though, honestly. I feel like though it'll work itself out in the end and you're all just screwing everything up now so you can have happiness later.

I've had some shit happen recently that has been tough. I'm dealing though because what else can you do? You either have to deal or die and the latter isn't what I want. I was watching a movie today and the last thing they said summed up what I believe:

Ex malo bonum. 
{Out of bad comes good.}

Everything is so different since my days of constant xanga usage.

Thank god.